The Case Against Friends to Lovers Books and Movies

One well-known factor in romantic love is safety and familiarity. So, it’s no shock that there is a push towards friends-to-lovers.

One well-known factor in romantic love is safety and familiarity. So, it’s no shock that there is a push towards friends-to-lovers.

On paper, this dynamic is perfect. The person in question has known the other person for many years. They trust each other, know each other’s secrets, and share an indescribable connection.

However, does having a good friendship translate to a successful romantic one? Fiction and society treat friendship as a probationary period before romance. While there is a good conversion rate, so to speak, theory and reality do not always align.

Compatibility in Theory

The root of the friends to lovers belief is the compatibility that comes with learned, natural camaraderie.

A solid friendship is truly something to envy. It can come in the form of a best mate or closest friend who has seen one at one’s best and worst, knows all one’s flaws and weaknesses, and loves one as one is.

These interactions combine excellent communication, humour, consideration, shared interests, trust, and years of history to create something deeply beautiful. It doesn’t get better than that.

However, many overlook an angle. In a platonic connection, there is a tendency to turn a blind eye or accept differences. This compartmentalization is wonderful in friendships, but in a romantic relationship, it can cause major issues.

The Things You Can Tolerate in a Friend

Take, for instance, the dynamic between a liberal woman and a more traditional man.

The woman appreciates someone who is clearer-headed, dependable, and funny. She also values the fact that he enjoys her company as much as she does his.

The man also isn’t opposed to having a thoughtful, welcoming female friend he can be himself around.

Unfortunately, her ideal romantic partner, among other things, knows how to take care of himself and is willing to do so. Most importantly, he sees women as human beings deserving of equal common decency without prompting.

The man’s idea of the dream partner, among other factors, is someone willing to work within set societal lines, even if they take on more roles than initially normalised.

In a perfect world, they shouldn’t get along, but the world isn’t perfect, so they do. Now, if these two people get together, it would be chaos because the tiny difference between them will affect everything between them due to the deep interconnectedness of interactions and possibly ruin their friendship.

The Bane of Familiarity

One often overlooked factor in the friends-to-lovers discourse is the mixed blessing of familiarity. Sometimes familiarity breeds affection without desire.

Again, there is the factor of mystery. Unless it’s a best mate, friends do not really know everything about each other. Taking on a romantic relationship can strip away that mystery, which can either enhance attraction or eliminate it.

“If They Were Meant to Be…”

Looking at the argument from a logical perspective, do two romantic prospects really need nudging? If two people have been friends for five, ten or fifteen years, why has neither of them seriously pursued the possibility of a relationship?

There are several reasons for this. They include wrong timing, fear of ruining the friendship, one or both people being unavailable, unrecognised feelings, or simply not wanting a different dynamic.

A good instance is with Jade Osiberu’s A Christmas in Lagos.

The movie features the well-loved plot of a best friend finding out her other bestie is in a relationship. It feels like the position should be hers because she and everyone else who knows the duo would have assumed that they should have been endgame.

The plan to confess feelings doesn’t work out and instead leads to an honest discussion. They acknowledge that there might have been hope for a relationship, but both had love interests over the years and never followed through.

The feet kicking production shows that romantic love doesn’t have to be the reward for quality long-term friendships.

When Friendship Is a Catalyst

Even the harshest critic cannot deny that friends to lovers works. Too many excellent real-life stories, as well as movies and books, show the power of familiar love.

However, this angle works best when attraction develops gradually, someone turns down an expression of interest, a party settles for friendship, circumstances change, or someone grows emotionally. These transitions make the payoff feel earned or leave the readers with “what ifs”

For example, in the popular Percy Jackson and the Olympians book series, Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase end up dating, but start as friends.

However, while they were friends, Percy Jackson was initially attracted to Annabeth (but didn’t recognize it), and Annabeth felt the same way. Their feelings grew as they got to know each other, and they both admitted they felt the same way.

Another unpopular instance is Kambili and Father Amadi in Purple Hibiscus. Yes, they weren’t traditional “friends”, and they didn’t get their happy ending, but there is enough “what if” to fit this scenario.

Kambili developed the cutest crush on Father Amadi because he was kind. He also understood her silence and let her be. Father Amadi felt chastely attracted to Kambili’s quiet maturity and saw something broken inside her that he handled with care.

The result is the realization that someone can awaken something profound in another without becoming a romantic partner.

Both situations work because the relationship grew deeper than their initial friendship.

Let Friends be Friends

Honestly, with the oversaturation of romance stories in all their forms, isn’t it refreshing to read a story or watch a movie about two people loving each other in a non-romantic context?

Platonic love can be loyal, inspiring, humorous, intimate, well-rounded, and greatly rewarding without the packaging of the more socially accepted version of sentiment.

The belief that a soulmate or closest person has to be a romantic partner partly reinforces this stereotype. Sometimes our closest people are chosen kin who get us without needing to be more than we already are, and vice versa.

An example of this platonic soulmatehood is Arese Ugwu’s Smart Money Woman book and movie series.

The narrative follows five friends who have seen each other through growing up, career wins and losses, relationship woes, and money lessons, but always choose each other.

Conclusion

Friends-to-lovers books and movies will always remain popular because when it works, it really works. From Percy Jackson and Annabeth to Kambili and Father Amadi, the relevance of safe, predictable connection is undeniable.

Perhaps both fiction and reality will become more accommodating of romance-worthy dynamics that let people stay true to themselves. To better friendships!